You might be waiting a while, fellas…
The NHL is hurtling closer and closer to an impending lockout. Commissioner Gary Bettman stamped an arbitrary deadline on talks of September 15 where if no deal was in place, the league would lock out the players. Well, that deadline is tomorrow, and almost no progress has been made in the negotiations and no meetings are scheduled before Saturday’s deadline. So with no talks and no progress, Bettman gets to oversee his third work stoppage and second in the last eight years, when the league lost an entire season while the owners held the players over a barrel. Guess who’s ready to do it again? The owners, of course!
Poor Prognostication: Tiny Fists Of Triumph
Just squeaked it out in week 1? We’ll take it
We start off the prognostication on a mildly high note, finishing the week 4-3 in our Week 1 picks (hooray for not being sub-.500!). We get back to our normal slate of five picks this week, and hope to match (or even exceed) the luke-warm success of last week. The games this week include some really terrible matchups that I wouldn’t want to wish on my worst enemies. Cleveland-Cincinnati, Buffalo-Kansas City, and Oakland-Miami sound like games that you would show to Guantanamo detainees when you needed them to talk. We don’t pick any of those games and send our deepest condolences to the markets that those games will be shown. Picks are in bold!
Biggest Meltdowns Of NFL Week 1
“ERMAHGERD FURBAW”
Week 1 is in the books, and with it came the unpredictable, crazy, and unexpected turnover of the NFL which leads to wild speculation. THE REDSKINS ARE GOOD! MARK SANCHEZ FOR MVP! THE 49ERS ARE A DYNASTY…AFTER WEEK1! And so on and so forth. More importantly, however, the NFL gave us our weekly dose of delicious meltdowns. There are some surpirses (no Romo?) and some unsurprises (Jags and Browns still terrible!), but it’s still just as tasty. Come for the failure, stay for the pictures of rich people playing a game looking silly.
Bart Scott Is Really Bad With Words And When To Stop Saying Them
Let Bart Scott tell you in detail how he isn’t talking to you anymore
The New York Jets shocked everybody on Sunday by coming out and looking like a pretty impressive football team. Mark Sanchez threw for 266 yards, three touchdowns, and just one interception, Shonn Greene run for 94 yards and a touchdown, and the Jets’ defense forced four turnovers in a 48-28 blowout of Buffalo. Does this mean we have to stop making fun of the Jets and seriously consider them as a legitimate threat in the AFC East this season? Haha, no, we’ll never have to stop making fun of them. They do interviews!
Clint Eastwood understands this guy
Anyone who has played a round of golf has asked the inevitale question: “Wouldn’t it suck to live in a house on golf course and deal with terrible golfers hitting your house with golf balls?” before slicing one into some unsuspecting home owners living room. As it turns out, it does suck, and one homeowner isn’t going to take it anymore. 53-year old Jeff Fleming of Reno, Nevada, lives alongside a golf course, and when he had yet another window broken by some crummy duffer, he shot him. Wait, what??
Santonio Holmes Is Bad At Keeping Information To Himself
Santonio is very pleased about his helping hand. Mark…yeah, not as much.
The New York Jets have been a media circus since Rex Ryan got hired as their head coach, but the spotlight has been intensified by a thousand since New York traded for Tim Tebow. How would Mark Sanchez, who has been called coddled by his teammates, react to having a super-popular miracle worker as his backup? The team had to give him a rich extension just for thinking about talking to Peyton Manning to help repair Mark’s hurt feelings, so bringing in someone for Jets fans to call for in place of Sanchez couldn’t possibly go over well.
Surprisingly, though, Sanchez has been fairly composed through this offseason. He’s seemed to ratchet up his workouts and preparation and has publicly embraced Tebow as a member of the team (to the utter joy of Jets slashfic enthusiasts). Turns out though, that’s been something he had to work on, which we now know thanks to world’s worst teammate/confidant Santonio Holmes.
Poor Prognostication: Kickoff Classic!!
JJ gets uncomfortably excited thinking about the Cowboys’ “Glory Hole”
It’s Wednesday, so OF COURSE that means NFL football is starting! Because FOOOTBALL THAT’S WHY! The Dallas Cowboys open the season on the road against the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants, and have wasted zero time poking Big Blue with a stick to make sure they are good and riled up. Other notable games highlight Week 1 in the NFL, like the reincarnation of Peyton Manning as a Denver Bronco, and super-rookies Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III make their debuts surrounded by really crummy teams.
Most importantly, though, we get to return to real football. No more Double J talking about glory holes, no more train metaphors regarding the MJD holdout, and hopefully a downturn of Tim Tebow shirtless pictures in the rain. Just football.
So who wins? Picks are in bold after the jump! Let’s gooooooo!
