D.J. Williams May Not Be Human, Or He’s Terrible At Cheating
The Denver Broncos have a defense that is a work in progress. After finishing as one of the worst defenses in the league under Josh McDaniels, the Broncos turned it around last season under John Fox and looked average to downright pretty good on the defensive side of the ball. They were hoping to continue their improvement, but may have some troubles as starting linebacker D.J. Williams will start the year on a six game suspension for failing a drug test last year. Everyone knows that there are ways to beat these drug tests, especially in the NFL, but Williams is pretty terrible at all of them in turns out.
According to the Denver Post, the troubles started last August when Williams provided a sample as part of the NFL’s “substances of abuse” program. The Denver linebacker was in the “intervention state” of the program, and so was subject to random testing. The NFL split that sample in two and sent one half off to be tested for recreational drugs, which came back negative (hooray!). The other half was sent off to be tested for performance-enhancing drugs, where the sample raised some red flags not because of what was found in it, but because of what was missing:
“The specimen does not contain any endogenous steroids. The profile is not consistent with a normal, healthy male urine specimen.”
Endogenous steroids are natrurally produced by the body and are found in human urine. In short, this wasn’t human urine.
While the league investigated this unusual specimen, Williams gave another urine sample in September. This test also came back as non-human, which constitutes a trend. So either D.J. Williams is actually a centaur or he’s trying to pull a fast one on his drug tests with synthetic pee.
Things got even worse for Williams on his third drug test in November. While administering the test, one of the specimen collectors saw Williams drop a bottle during the test. Williams then proceeded to kick it towards his locker. Because the collectors aren’t allowed to enter the locker room (which seems like a weird rule), they had to ask a locker room attendant to retrieve it. He went to Williams’ locker, where the linebacker gave him a brown bottle to give to the collectors. Only problem: the collectors say the bottle they saw fall was clear.
This whole saga points to one thing: don’t hold your breath on Williams winning his appeal anytime soon…or ever. But while Williams serves his six-game suspension, maybe he can take the time to work on some things. Like finding a better pee guy who maybe has something in stock that could pass for human urine. Or work on keeping the bottle of fake pee on your hip throughout the testing process. Or better yet, stop taking the stuff that’s forcing you to buy inhuman pee. That, or come out and admit you’re a centaur. Those are the only options.