Biggest Meltdowns of NFL Week 5

Week 5 is nearly in the books, and this weekend saw its share of disappointing efforts from many teams. The Meltdowns were not nearly as spectacular or explosive, but Tony Romo was on bye this week, so that explains that. Plenty of other guys did their best to step up and fill the Romo suck-void, though, so no worries. Michael Vick threw four interceptions against the Bills while leading the Eagles to their fourth straight loss, and that didn’t even make the list! This week, Tebowmania is about to run wild (thanks for that San Diego), Buccaneers get Oregon Trail’d, Eli does his best Romo impression, the Falcons quest for redemption comes about a half of football short, and the Colts are really excited about drafting Andrew Luck next year.

5. What’re you gonna do, brother, when Tebowmania runs wild over you?

The quarterback controversy in Denver is over. Kyle Orton came out Sunday against San Diego and played listless, uninspired football in the first half. He completed only 6 of 13 passes for 34 yards and one interception, completing only one pass to a wide receiver, a -5 yard screen pass to Eric Decker right before halftime. He looked lethargic, inaccurate, and disinterested the entire time he was out there, including an inexplicable no-look throw out to the flat straight into the hands of a Chargers defender. It was no surprise that the team went with Tebow in the second half, Denver trailing 23-10.

Tebow, after showing signs of nerves and/or rust in the third quarter, led Denver to back to back scoring drives in the 4th, coming a two-point conversion pass away from tying the game. After San Diego kicked a field goal with 24 seconds remaining, Tebow completed two passes and was able to spike the ball to stop the clock with 1 second remaining to set up a mad scramble and hail Mary as time expired. The ball fell incomplete and San Diego escaped with the 29-24 win. However, the near-collapse of the Chargers has officially started Tebowmania, and the Broncos don’t even play again until Week 7, so enjoy the non-stop coverage without any actual games for the next two weeks. One more reason Philip Rivers is a douche.

4. Bucs pray for dysentery…

When I was a kid, “Oregon Trail” was one of the best games on the computer. You and your family would load up your wagon with supplies and make the trek west along the Oregon Trail to your new home in the lands of opportunity. Then your axle on your cart would break, you’d run out of bullets for hunting which in turn would mean you’d run out of food, you’d lose all your supplies trying to ford a river, and your entire family would get dysentery and die. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers only wish their trip west to San Francisco had gone so well.

Tampa Bay entered the game on Sunday at 3-1 and tied for first in the NFC South with New Orleans. They didn’t play like it. Josh Freeman threw for only 187 yards while throwing two interceptions, and LaGarrette Blount was held to 34 yards on 10 carries. The offense managed only a field goal in the first quarter before being held scoreless the rest of the game. Meanwhile, the San Francisco 49ers looked like an offensive juggernaut, led by Alex Smith’s three touchdown passes and Frank Gore’s second straight 100-yard rushing game. At 4-1, San Francisco should have the NFC West wrapped up by Week 8.

3. The NFC East: where backbreaking pick sixes happen

The New York Giants entered Week 5 at 3-1, tied for first with the Washington Redskins and looking to move to 4-1 and take sole possession of the top spot in the NFC East. Playing Seattle at home, it didn’t look like it would be much of a hurdle to clear, but strange things happen when you try and sleepwalk through a professional football game. The Giants had to rally with a miraculous Victor Cruz touchdown catch and run to take the lead 25-22 in the fourth quarter. The Seahawks, led by backup Charlie Whitehurst, marched the ball back down the field, where Whitehurst connected with a wide-open Doug Baldwin in the end zone to retake the lead 29-25. Not quite done crushing the hopes of Giants fans, Eli drove his team down the field and had a first and goal to retake the lead…when he threw into double coverage and Seahawks defensive back Brandon Browner returned an interception 94 yards to seal the victory for Seattle.

Eli Manning finished with a Romo-esque statline, throwing for 420 yards and three touchdowns while throwing three interceptions including the crushing pick six. The Giants defense, however, deserves just as much credit for this Meltdown. The defense allowed 315 yards passing and two touchdowns between the two Seattle quarterbacks, including 149 to backup Charlie Whitehurst. They allowed 145 yards rushing, including a 47-yard run by Marshawn Lynch around the end and up the sideline untouched until he was pushed out at the 1-yard line. On the final touchdown to Doug Baldwin, the entire defense seemed to stop after Osi Umenyiora jumped offside, leaving Baldwin by himself in the endzone. In short, the Giants did everything they could to lose a winnable game and are now looking up at the first place Washington Redskins (it feels weird to say that). At least the New York fans and media are the forgiving sort…

2. Falcons fail to remember football is four quarters, not first to 14

After being eliminated and embarrassed at home in last year’s playoffs by the eventual Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers, the Atlanta Falcons were looking for redemption. Roddy White made comments about the result of the game being a fluke, the Falcons traded away their entire draft to get Julio Jones to add to their offense, and they signed defensive end Ray Edwards in free agency to bolster their defense all in preparation for Green Bay’s return to Atlanta on Sunday night. The Falcons came out firing, quickly jumping to a 14-0 lead before going cold on offense and the Packers would score the final 25 points of the game, winning easily 25-14.

Aaron Rodgers ended up throwing for 396 yards and two touchdowns, completing passes to 12 different receivers, almost as if Ray Edwards wasn’t covering any of them! Matt Ryan went ice cold after the impressive drives to open the game, gaining only seven more yards passing the rest of the game than he did on the first two drives. Roddy White has not yet weighed in on whether this win was legitimate or not for the Packers. We wait with baited breath…

1. And with the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, the Indianapolis Colts select…

Poor Indianapolis. For years, they’ve been spoiled with Peyton Manning single-handedly winning them 11 games a year and taking them to varying depths of the playoffs. People would often try and minimize Peyton’s absolute importance to the Colts success, but this season proves that it was always just Manning, and they should just change the name of the team to Indianapolis Mannings. Curtis Painter played admirably, leading the Mannings to a 24-7 lead before the Chiefs rallied behind the arm of Matt Cassel who threw for all four of Kansas City’s touchdowns.

The offense for Indianapolis played well enough to win, but the defense was terrible enough to ruin it. Cassel threw for 257 yards and four touchdowns, while third string running back Jackie Battle rushed for 119 yards. The Chiefs win their second in a row to go to 2-3, while Indy falls to 0-5 for the first time since 1997. Don’t let Indianapolis fans complain too much for their team’s struggles this season. For one season of suck, they’ll be able to boast Peyton Manning at starting quarterback next year while he mentors his protege and heir to the Colts huddle, Andrew Luck. Suck on it, Colts fans.